We are now down to the all important second portion of today’s battle to see who will become President of the United States.
The scene is the front lawn of the White House. In the reviewing stands sit the nine members of the Supreme Court who will officiate. Both contestants are brought into the arena and placed between two large metal pails, facing each other at a distance of five feet.
The pails on the combatants’ left side contain fifty balloons, filled with fecal matter obtained from the usual sources – our equine and bovine friends. The smaller container on the right holds ten balloons filled with pure water. The Marshall of the contest is a member of the ATF, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. He reads the rules to the contestants:
“Gentlemen, as you can see there are two sets of balloons available in your contest for the Presidency. On my mark you will begin hurling the contents of the containers on your left containing fecal matter at each other. The object of the contest is to get as much of these balloons’ contents to adhere to your opponent as possible. When both parties have released their final balloon, you will be allowed to make statements about your accomplishments.
If the Supremes rule 5-4 in your favor (by this I mean the Justices and not the singing group), you will then be allowed to empty the contents of one water balloon on yourself, thus purging some of the material which previously clung to you. If your claim is dis-allowed that balloon shall be taken out of play.
When the final water balloon has been played, a member of my staff will carefully scrape all the fecal matter remaining on each contestant and weigh it. The person who has been most successful at soiling his opponent shall be declared the winner. The loser shall be summarily taken around the back of the White House where a Marine Honor Guard shall execute him – sending him to a better world.
Gentlemen, Ready, Aim, Fire …
I can already anticipate a gasp from some of my readers. They might feel that this proposal is too Draconian. To that charge I have two responses.
First, we need patriots and heroes to lead this country back on the path toward success and accomplishment. Knowing how severe the penalty is for failure might cause only those who believe they truly have merit to enter the fray in the future.
Second, one politician more or less is not going to make a difference. But if the idea catches on there is no reason that we could not extend this to all political races. Think of it, a few election cycles down the road we would have purged ourselves of a lot of riff raff who simply got where they are because of our apathy. I doubt we would notice their absence.
In fact, we might all be the better off for it.