The American Dilemma and How We Can Fix It

Let me share with you a new venture which I am expecting to launch soon.  It is to be an adventure in style and haberdashery.  Needless to say, I want to take full advantage of the current rage that is sweeping the nation to enable us all to become more politically correct and left right thinking.  Thus, my new line will be unisex in nature.

But before I tell you about my latest entrepreneurial effort, I want to share with you how this idea came to me.  I want to give credit to my local convenience store for providing the inspiration.  It all came about because of a hand-written sign that they had posted on their front door.

Now we’ve all seen those signs that say:




The convenience store has one of those up – but this is obviously intended as a permanent admonition to would-be shoppers because this sign obviously has been professionally printed.

The sign which gave rise to my inspiration is not currently on display.  (I think it’s a seasonal thing as it’s running a consistent 100 degrees here at this time of year).

That sign, handwritten as I mentioned, said:


Now I never interpreted the meaning of that sign to be that “if you are a member of a gang do not enter our doors.”  Rather, I think that what was intended was that the establishment did not want people who wore hoods to enter unless they pulled back the hoods from their heads.  My conclusion was based on the fact that this sign had been placed just above one that read:


In light of all the hoods and hoodies which have been out and about recently emulating the chic of the late Trayvon Martin – I was wondering why that sign had been removed by the convenience store.  Was it due to our weather and the fact that no one in his right mind would wear more clothing than legally necessary?  Or was this in deference to the “outrage” over this young man’s death?

I asked one of the young ladies who work at the establishment about this – being the inquiring type that I am.  Her response was, “You can be sure that when the weather gets cool that sign will be reposted.  We’ve been robbed three times in the last five years – and each time the person wore a hood to make identification by our security cameras more difficult.”

Okay.  That answered that.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that by the time fall comes around it will probably be a prerequisite for everyone in America to wear a hood and failure to do so might land a person in Guantanamo for a visit of indefinite duration.  I mean, despite the reports, how bad can the place really be?  I understand that the packages are paid for entirely by the taxpayers and come complete with waterskiing water boarding.

Well, if you’re thinking that I’m going into the hoodie biz you are dead wrong.  I understand that the factories in Bangladesh and China are already pumping those out like crazy.  And they provide little attraction to me since it has never occurred to me to think about robbing a convenience store.

No, my new line of unisex chapeaux is not only different – it’s practical – perhaps, one could argue – even vital as a survival tool.

Shortly, I am going to be unveiling my new fall line of aluminum foil hats.  You see, I read somewhere that these protect against intrusive surveillance satellites and other sorts of maliciousness from which our Constitution once protected us.

I anticipate a rush of orders from patriotic Americans throughout the country.  And as I am just one person who has to open all the orders, collect the money, fold the aluminum foil into shape and hand address the packages with its precious shipment inside, I anticipate a fairly severe backlog to develop as soon as I bring these to market.

Just so you know, a similar type of cover for your telephone will most likely be fully developed by Spring, 2014.

So my advice is place your orders early.  You never know when the NSA might just take an interest in what you’ve been doing.  If they haven’t already.



  1. A wise investment!

  2. Probably brains will be on the next outlaw list. lol

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