The American Dilemma and How We Can Fix It

SPAM CAN SAVE AMERICA

 It came to me from out of the blue – a flash of insight. I knew how Saul must have felt as he travelled the road to Tarsus. It was Divine inspiration and I would be remiss if I didn’t share it with you.

 Spam can save America.

 When I refer to spam I am not speaking of the substance which comes in a tin can. Mom always referred to it as “mystery meat” and it never made its way into our home.   Although made famous by Monty Python’s Flying Circus in one of their sketches, I have never had the opportunity to try it. But if you were to invite me for a meal and prepare some, I would certainly give it a go.

 This is in keeping with my philosophy that before approving or rejecting something we should at least first make its acquaintance.

 That said, my inspiration didn’t focus on the food product but on the stuff that everyone who has an email account knows intimately. Spam email. 

Now here’s an idea we can all embrace. Try to find one person who enjoys receiving spam mail – and I’ll show you someone who is behind the plot to inundate all our “in-boxes” with it.

 We’re all way too familiar with the stuff. We open our email, hoping to hear the latest about our cousin’s new baby and seventy-five pieces of communication show up from people and companies we don’t know. We start on our task, <del> <del> <del> …

 Then an idea occurs to us. There is a feature in our email which allows us to block future communications from these senders. So we begin using this tool – which only works some of the time and takes twice as long as simply deleting each item.  

Of course, when it does work it merely directs new communications to the “Junk e-mail folder” rather than our “In-Box” and we still have to delete them. My Outlook Express then transfers these newly deleted unwanted messages to the “Deleted Items” folder where they have to be deleted yet again.

 What a total waste of time.

 Whether you’re a Libertarian, Democrat, Republican or politically unconscious; whether you’re young or old or so old that you think you’re young; whatever your race or creed or sexual-orientation – YOU HATE SPAM!

So here’s the plan.

 We levy an itsy bittsy teeny tiny tax on spam emails – one tenth of a cent per. That’s right – for every ten spam-mails it will only cost the spamsters one cent. How modest is that?

 Based on the volume of these I receive daily and doing a quick extrapolation, I figure this would raise about five hundred million dollars a month for the Treasury.

 These newly collected funds would be used to pay down the National Debt (thus eliminating the need to raise taxes on the super wealthy, the remnants of the midddle class or anyone else).

 One of several things will happen.

 First, the spamsters will find that they can still make money despite the tax and will continue to send out their communications. In that case We The People benefit because we are reducing the debt by which we are all indirectly encumbered, the interest on which amounts to an additional (though unpaid) large utility bill for each of us every month. So that would be a good thing. 

Second, after getting their newly taxed bills from their email providers those responsible for sending out all this spam would reconsider their marketing strategies and would either reduce or eliminate this plan of attack on innocent Americans. That also would be a good thing.

 Third, should scenario two play out, we will need to spend less time at our computers thus saving energy, emitting less greenhouse gases and helping reduce our dependence on foreign oil. Yet more good things.

This is an issue on which our esteemed members of Congress on both sides of the aisle can agree.  At last, there is something positive and constructive for which they can vote without filibuster or fear of voter backlash.  It’s a winner.  (And remember where you heard it first).

 I don’t know about you but I look forward to a brighter day in America – a day where we all spend less time going <del> <del> <del>.

 

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